Copyright Holly Arsenault, 2013. All rights reserved. This text may not be reproduced or performed without explicit, written consent of the author.
Please direct inquiries to hollypla@gmail.com.
Alfred premiered at 14/48: The World's Quickest Theatre Festival, January, 2013 at The Erickson Theatre in Seattle, Washington
ALFRED
By Holly Arsenault
CHARACTERS
Alfred, a man
Maureen 1, a woman
Maureen 2, the same woman
A bus stop. It’s raining.
Two women who are actually the same woman sit on either side of a bench, reading. Each one attempts to shield her book from the rain, somewhat unsuccessfully.
A man enters with an umbrella and a suitcase. He stations himself just upstage of the bench.
ALFRED
Allow me. (He extends the umbrella over them.)
MAUREEN 1 & MAUREEN 2 both look up briefly from their books and smile politely. They stop shielding the books from the rain.
ALFRED
Nice day.
MAUREEN 1
Hm?
MAUREEN 2
Hm?
ALFRED
Nice day out.
MAUREEN 2
Oh. Yeah.
MAUREEN 1
Oh. Yeah.
Pause
ALFRED
What are you reading?
MAUREEN 1
(Looking around to see if there is anyone else there.) Me?
MAUREEN 2
(Looking around to see if there is anyone else there.) Me?
ALFRED
Yes.
MAUREEN 1
Oh, it’s called Parallels
MAUREEN 2
Oh, it’s called Parallels
ALFRED
Is it good?
MAUREEN 1
Um, yeah. So far. I’m not that far into it.
MAUREEN 2
Um, yeah. So far. I’m not that far into it.
ALFRED
Ah.
Pause
ALFRED
Do you know when the bus is due to arrive?
MAUREEN 1
10 minutes
MAUREEN 2
10 minutes
ALFRED
It won’t be 10 minutes
MAUREEN 1
No, 20.
MAUREEN 2
No, 20.
ALFRED
That’s right. The bus always takes 20 minutes to come, no matter what time you arrive at the stop.
MAUREEN 1
(Warmly) Mmm hmm.
MAUREEN 2
(Dismissively) Mmm hmm.
Pause
ALFRED
What’s your name?
MAUREEN 1
It’s Maureen.
MAUREEN 2
Why would I tell you my name?
ALFRED
I’m Alfred.
MAUREEN 1
What a great name.
MAUREEN 2
Congratulations.
MAUREEN 2 goes back to her book.
ALFRED
Lovely to meet you.
MAUREEN 1
And you.
MAUREEN 1 goes back to her book.
ALFRED
So, where are you headed?
MAUREEN 2
To visit my boyfriend in the insane asylum.
ALFRED
I get that. You’re funny.
Pause. She goes back to reading.
ALFRED
So, where are you really headed?
MAUREEN 2
Why would you look at a person reading quietly to themselves at a bus stop and think “she probably wants to talk to me.”
ALFRED
So sorry. Message received! Going silent.
Pause
ALFRED
I spent time in an insane asylum.
MAUREEN 2
I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
Pause. MAUREEN 2 closes her book, exasperated, but curious.
MAUREEN 2
For what?
ALFRED
Pardon?
MAUREEN 2
For what were you in an insane asylum?
ALFRED
Oh, custodial work? Cleaning windows and mopping floors, mostly.
MAUREEN 2
You were a janitor in an insane asylum.
ALFRED
In a facility, yes.
MAUREEN 2
And [what do you do] now?
MAUREEN 1
What do you do?
ALFRED
How do you mean?
MAUREEN 1
I mean, what do you do?
MAUREEN 2
I mean, what do you do?
ALFRED
Oh, for a job?
MAUREEN 1
Yes
MAUREEN 2
Yes
ALFRED
I’m a door-to-door salesman
MAUREEN 1
Oh, that’s nice
MAUREEN 2
We still have door-to-door salesmen?
ALFRED
You have one right next to you!
MAUREEN 1
What do you sell?
MAUREEN 2
What do you sell?
ALFRED
Knives.
MAUREEN 1 goes back to her book.
MAUREEN 2
You go door-to-door selling knives?
ALFRED
Yes.
MAUREEN 2
That’s your job?
ALFRED
Yes.
MAUREEN 2
Okay.
MAUREEN 2 goes back to her book, then closes it again.
MAUREEN 2
Is it dangerous?
ALFRED
How do you mean?
MAUREEN 2
I mean, do people pull guns on you?
ALFRED
That’s happened.
MAUREEN 2
And what do you do?
ALFRED
I run.
MAUREEN 1
Do you have the knives with you?
MAUREEN 2
Do you have the knives with you?
ALFRED
Certainly.
MAUREEN 1
May I see them?
MAUREEN 2
Can I see them?
ALFRED opens up his suitcase on the bench, revealing a selection of kitchen knives. MAUREEN 1 immediately grabs a knife, stabs him in the stomach, takes his wallet from his coat pocket, and runs. ALFRED falls to the ground.
MAUREEN 2
Alfred! Are you okay?
ALFRED
(There is a pause, and then ALFRED pops up) Perfectly well, thanks! Got tripped up by my own shoelaces there, I guess!
MAUREEN 2
Nice knives.
ALFRED
Thank you.
MAUREEN 2
Thank you for not trying to sell them to me.
ALFRED
This isn’t your door.
She smiles
MAUREEN 2
The sun’s coming out.
They both look up. The bus arrives.
ALFRED
Here’s your bus.
MAUREEN 2
Aren’t you getting on?
ALFRED
No. I’m not in a hurry. I think I’ll stay here and enjoy the sun for a minute. Take the next one.
MAUREEN 2
Okay. Bye, Alfred.
ALFRED
Bye, uh…
MAUREEN
Maureen. I’m Maureen.
ALFRED
So long, Maureen.
She gets on the bus.
END OF PLAY